The Angry Stage (pt. 1)

Therapist, wife, puppet, empty vessel—

Unfortunately, I was made into all of these things, and at a very young age. I feel I was stripped of my own identity before I even had one. Wife, mother, therapist, companion, vessel. These were some of the actual roles I played behind the name “daughter.”

It’s been almost two years since I cut contact with the man I had to call “daddy” up until I did. A couple weeks after that, I found myself feeling absolutely nothing towards him and our relationship. No sadness, no anger, nothing. I forgave him, and I could say I still love him as we should as believers. But that is not the same love a daughter should feel for her dad. That has also never meant that I am not still hurt in many many ways, and it doesn’t mean I need to reconcile with him.

Forgiveness ≠ reconciliation.

The thing is, I knew even then that feeling nothing didn’t mean I was over it and moved on. I knew there was and is still so much below the surface that just wasn’t ready to come out yet.

Now two years later, it’s only starting to come out. I’m finally in the (early) angry stage, and I think that’s okay. It’s a part of healing. These emotions need to be processed. Little Sienna didn’t have the room or the voice to, because that was taken from her. In the past few years, I’ve been fighting to get her voice back. She has every right to express how she really feels now.

“Sienna, you said you forgave him. How can you still be angry?” I think you can forgive and yet still feel very hurt about the damage that was done, and mourn everything you’ve lost. Again— Little Sienna never had to ability to express her torment at the time she was enduring it. These things do not simply go away the way we wish it did.

Finally, the most beautiful part about this stage I’ve found myself in, is that the Lord has used it to reveal so much to me about/within my relationship with Him. And ultimately, that’s made this relationship even closer and deeper; more intimate.

I am still very much hurting. I have a lot to heal from— this is only a fraction of it all. But God has been so gracious. I do not deserve His goodness, but that my friend is amazing grace.